oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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