sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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