Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
