I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
