the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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