So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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