Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
