quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We're too hungover to prance.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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