Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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