i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
