Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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