Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
