how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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