An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
