Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
