ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
then he tried to convert me to islam
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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