Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
