Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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