i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
