I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
where are my eyebrows?
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