WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm both gender and math confused
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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