I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
