I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
