I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
