i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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