i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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