My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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