i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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