I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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