I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
