I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
