There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
