I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
