if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
