so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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