Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
