I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
and you fell through a lawn chair
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
