My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
