I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
