I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
