Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
