Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
