Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
