Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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