I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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