Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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