PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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