Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
