i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
