i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
