the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
